Little snippets...

I'm pretty sure anybody who reads blogs and has half a brain understands that what is seen and written on blogs is only a small piece of said blog's author.

Did that make sense?

What I'm trying to say is I think most bloggers are rather thoughtful about what they post in one way or another. They want to show the prettiest projects, the best vacation pictures, the warmest stories, and the most profound discoveries. A blog is a small space in a big world and is relatively controllable. At its worst I've even seen whole fake personas carried on quite successfully for rather long periods of time.

Granted, some blogs, including this one, have been created with a definite purpose like showing products, supporting businesses, helping to promote some thing or some one and their pursuits and that's all fine and dandy. 

But what about the people behind the blog. Not really behind the blog... that sounds too cliche... more like the person behind the words and the pictures. The person that sits in front of a computer screen trying to decide what to post, what to write, what photos to show. What small piece of their existence to share. To make known and open and available to not only welcome comments and internet networking but also to scrutiny and even harsh words.

I know I've lightly touched on this topic before from time to time and most of it is probably my own insecurities and maybe they shouldn't be aired here but really somehow over the years I've been blogging I've found it to be somewhat liberating to say things in such a public way. Just as much as I wonder how my readers feel and why they read here I wonder about them and if we have more in common that I realize. Who's been through a divorce? Who had lost a spouse or another close loved one? Who has issues with their families that are difficult at best?  Who worries about Swine Flu and tomato blight and can't seem to put the cookies down long enough to get on the elliptical because its raining?

Look... I sit here and read other blogs that I admire... some because they are beautiful and some because the people writing them are so brutally honest about one issue or another but in all reality I think most of us are a good mixture of both. I know I've tried really hard to make this a place of happy knitting and small lessons and sharing and family stories. I've tried to pick the best parts to make a nice blog and thereby promote myself as a designer but somewhere along the way its become too hard to try to look "just so". Its become harder and harder to pick out nice little bits from the whole big picture because the good bits and the tough bits are all so intermingled in real life. 

I've dealt with loss and depression and anger and if I've learned anything from any of it its that I'm not the only one. In just 30-some years I've gone from (apparently) completely delusional to profoundly shaken and find that most days I am still a bit confused.

My crafting and knitting have always been a way for me to create something small and beautiful in a world that has always seemed too big and messy. I gravitate to all things traditional and classic because those are the things that are most lacking in my life. There is no tradition because my family fell apart years ago. There is no classic because there's always been so much struggle. My attempts at small-and-beautiful are my attempt at infusing the lives in this little house with something I want them to have but can't give them. I can only hope that someday these small things will mean as much to them as they have to me.  

Needless to say... we've been going through a rough patch here. I miss knitting. I miss blogging. I miss feeling good from day to day. But I just can't seem to eek out a little bit of something pretty to share today even as badly as I want to. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. The rain has finally stopped and the sun is shining. Tater is learning to read and loving kindergarden. The older kids are doing exceptionally well in school, too. Mac Daddy is as sweet as ever. All these things are worth sharing.

Maybe I should start another blog some where. Do the whole ghost-writer thing and pick a fake name and use curse words and be all dark and creepy-angry and so keep this little place clean and bright and happy. I mean I don't know that an angry-creepy mom is really who you want designing kids stuff is it?

And maybe after I click the "publish" button on this post I'll regret it and wonder what the hell I was thinking blabbing all this stuff. Or maybe I'll feel better and be glad I did. Either way... at least I blogged today.

PS... the above picture is one I took while walking around in the rain at the Apple Butter Boil down by the lake this past weekend. Its was cold. It was wet. The apple butter was still good.

PSS... I hate the new Typepad set up.

Comments

[Erica]

Marie-Grace, this post makes me wish I hadn't slacked off in reading blogs, yours in particular. Post what you like, my dear; it's YOUR blog. Like everyone who commented before me, I *love* that you're so real on your blog. Sure, no one can post their whole life on her blog, so we inevitably only give a partial picture of ourselves, but you should NOT feel that you have to censor to fit some image. It's your blog - just be YOU. As for the struggles, keep on sharing as much as you're comfortable with; it helps people feel less alone to know they aren't the only ones. Reading this post inspires me to be more open about my own issues. Keep posting the reality. No one expects you to be June Cleaver (and we wouldn't like you as much if you WERE!).

[Miss Scarlett]

"My crafting and knitting have always been a way for me to create something small and beautiful in a world that has always seemed too big and messy. I gravitate to all things traditional and classic because those are the things that are most lacking in my life. There is no tradition because my family fell apart years ago. There is no classic because there's always been so much struggle. My attempts at small-and-beautiful are my attempt at infusing the lives in this little house with something I want them to have but can't give them. I can only hope that someday these small things will mean as much to them as they have to me."

Eloquently written! Honestly I feel the very same way myself - and though I don't have my own children yet, I work with children and I try to give them many of the same things.
I admire your honesty, creativity and openness. It's not easy to take a risk and put yourself out there so thank you for doing it.

I also worry about tomato blight and can't put the cookies down to get outdoors some days!

[KAY PIRKLE]

I jleust ordered and paid for the child's scarf with the hood that cost $4.00 and was I was supposed to be able to
download it. I have yet to figure out how to do that. Please help or return the $4.00

[teri p]

i love your blog and you, for your honesty and your creativity. rough patches are hard, and can be dark, i hope you emerge from yours soon with new light and awareness for life and where you want to go. sorry to hear you are struggling. hang in there, i hope things get better soon!

[Donna]

Every one ahead of me has said exactly what I would like to say....that, and I would really miss reading your blog if you decided not to post.

[Missamite]

I am glad you blog no matter which parts of you that you choose to share.

[clarabelle]

I understand very much what you're saying, M-G, and often feel the same about what I write/don't write about on my own blog: there's often a certain frustration there. I must admit that I'm not drawn to blogs which have an obviously superficial, saccharine-sweetness to them, and I wouldn't read yours if it had that quality. So there!

And I admire your desire to want to give your family things that are 'beautiful, classical and traditional' - and you ARE doing that! Your family looks to you, and not to anything or anyone that's come before you.

[mizkathychin]

Hello! I don't comment often but need to tell you that traditions have to start somewhere, and I think that your "small and beautiful" idea is actually a physical manifestation of your large and beautiful heart. We don't need to be perfect and white-picket-fency to be beautiful and to give our kids a good foundation, I really believe that (um, I may be talking more about me than you here!).

And in other news - I haven't cabled with a cable needle since I read your tutorial. And I would rather have my knitwear designers let it rip with a few choice cuss words than feel like they live in some fantasy-land. I love your blog and hope that the rough spots F-off soon!

[Emily L]

I read your blog because you have the ability to have so many of the things I haven't found for myself yet - a beautiful house, a beautiful family, space to grow plants and keep animals - and because you are incredibly talented and it's so much fun to watch all the things you're working on. That said, it's just as fine to write about the tough bits.

I feel the same draw towards traditions, likely because there hasn't been a lot of stability in my life in a while. It sounds like you've made a wonderful home for your children - I hope they realize just how lucky they are to have you!

I hope things take a turn for the better soon. Thanks for sharing all you do.

[Mary Wilkins]

I totally enjoy your blog, stories about the kids, animals and hobbies. It's life, pure and simple. Your photography is always lovely, something I sit and enjoy. Please don't feel that being cranky, bitchy or otherwise not with it is anything else but the way we all feel at one time or another. I very rarely comment on a stranger's blog but I love yours. I just wish I could knit or smock. (sigh) Sewing is my hobby and escape.

[Amy]

It's posts like this that make me love your blog - no just the happy, pretty ones. I get kind of cranky and bitchy at times, and though I try not to sound too much like that on my blog, sometimes I just need to vent it a bit so I can get on with life. I worry that maybe people will be put off by it; but you know what? Sometimes it's just what we need to do - we ARE complex people and I think we can be forgiven the need to get it out there and be honest. I feel better knowing I am not the only one suffering in semi-silence lately. Must be something in the air. :-)

[Niki]

I don't comment often, but I have been reading your blog for a while. I must admit that the blogs I hang with the most are the ones where the owner ISN'T too perfect. I like seeing the muddiness of every day because it makes me feel better about my own. I honestly haven't blogged in a while because I started to feel like I can't possibly keep up with all the pretty ones out there. But on the other hand, I think I want the people who read my blog (however few that may be) to be the ones who are interested in everything I put on my blog...not just the nice pictures or funny stories. Those are the people I hope I can make a connection with on some level. It is nice to feel part of a community, but I don't want to belong if I have to smile ALL the time. I actually had the same thought you did about starting another blog. But then I thought to myself why hide a part of myself when my blog is supposed to be a TRUE reflection of who I really am. Otherwise, why bother blogging?

If it is any consolation, I would rather buy kid designs from a REAL mom. One I can identify with on a real level. Please be as honest and gritty as you want to here. This is your place, and for what it's worth, I plan to stick around no matter what.

[marissa]

I read blogs for the connection to the writer. If there was no connection, I'd read books (I do), where the author is disconnected from their written word because they are telling me a story. If I wanted designs, I'd buy a knitting book or magazine; if I wanted directions, I'd buy a pattern; if I wanted recipes, I'd buy a cookbook. I don't want those things. I want the people BEHIND those things, and I want to know they're human, and have bad days, and fun times, and families, and hear how their process works. I want the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...because that's what I live every day!

[bezzie]

Nope I totally get you. There's alot I censor myself. It's complicated why.

[elizabeth morrison]

August is my cranky time. Did I tell you about how a woman came from a block away to see who was being murdered? When it was just the younger son pitching a fit on the porch because he had mosquito bites that itched and his big brother was laughing at him? Yeah. Family harmony.

I do better once the frost comes and the leaves change.

[Darci]

Rough patches often bring out the best in us...I think you have shown that here.

And that picture is painfully lovely - I must return often to view it.

[km]

I guess that I'm lucky my blog doesn't support a business. I can share what I will...and I'm not suffering loss of profit with that. We've been going through a dark patch here. My knitting has increased because I need my sanity...but it's mostly garter stitch...because that's what my mind needs. The first real sweater I ever knit was your Daisy Cardi. And I had questions...and you were soooo sweet in answering them. I know that life isn't all daisies. Mine is a bit full of weeds at the moment. Wishing you find the silver lining in your cloudy skies.

[Julie]

That was beautifully and wonderfully honest. There should be no regrets in that.

[Mary N]

I read three blogs. My sister-in-laws because I love her and she is so funny, the Rainey sisters because they knit incredible things and are an inspiration, and yours. I stumbled on yours through my SIL. I've stuck with yours because... well, you knit, cook AND sew, like me. YOu love animals and gardening, like me. You've got a house in the country, like I wish I did. You are the type of person I can't find here on Long Island where clothes are bought at the mall, food at a restaurant and knitting? Thats for Grannies. Your blog makes me feel like there is more of me out there, and damn, I wish we could meet and share a cup of tea and a cookie! Everyone has their struggles and ups and downs. While you seem to have more than your share, you are not alone. Keep your chin up, and look at the now.. your wonderful husband, your great kids, and remember they all love you. That is even better than any knitted blanket. And trust me, some days we all feel like the angry-creepy mom,,, even if we only have one kid who is damn near perfect!! Keep blogging any way you want. I'll aways be here to read it, even if I never respond...

[Liz]

I discovered your blog while looking for a smocking tutorial (THANKYOU), but I have enjoyed reading many other post. It is nice to know we are all human. And I really think it is something in the air in Oct. because every Oct. I turn into really cranky mean mommy. (This happens many other times besidesd Oct, but seems consitent with Oct.)