I'm pretty sure anybody who reads blogs and has half a brain understands that what is seen and written on blogs is only a small piece of said blog's author.
Did that make sense?
What I'm trying to say is I think most bloggers are rather thoughtful about what they post in one way or another. They want to show the prettiest projects, the best vacation pictures, the warmest stories, and the most profound discoveries. A blog is a small space in a big world and is relatively controllable. At its worst I've even seen whole fake personas carried on quite successfully for rather long periods of time.
Granted, some blogs, including this one, have been created with a definite purpose like showing products, supporting businesses, helping to promote some thing or some one and their pursuits and that's all fine and dandy.
But what about the people behind the blog. Not really behind the blog... that sounds too cliche... more like the person behind the words and the pictures. The person that sits in front of a computer screen trying to decide what to post, what to write, what photos to show. What small piece of their existence to share. To make known and open and available to not only welcome comments and internet networking but also to scrutiny and even harsh words.
I know I've lightly touched on this topic before from time to time and most of it is probably my own insecurities and maybe they shouldn't be aired here but really somehow over the years I've been blogging I've found it to be somewhat liberating to say things in such a public way. Just as much as I wonder how my readers feel and why they read here I wonder about them and if we have more in common that I realize. Who's been through a divorce? Who had lost a spouse or another close loved one? Who has issues with their families that are difficult at best? Who worries about Swine Flu and tomato blight and can't seem to put the cookies down long enough to get on the elliptical because its raining?
Look... I sit here and read other blogs that I admire... some because they are beautiful and some because the people writing them are so brutally honest about one issue or another but in all reality I think most of us are a good mixture of both. I know I've tried really hard to make this a place of happy knitting and small lessons and sharing and family stories. I've tried to pick the best parts to make a nice blog and thereby promote myself as a designer but somewhere along the way its become too hard to try to look "just so". Its become harder and harder to pick out nice little bits from the whole big picture because the good bits and the tough bits are all so intermingled in real life.
I've dealt with loss and depression and anger and if I've learned anything from any of it its that I'm not the only one. In just 30-some years I've gone from (apparently) completely delusional to profoundly shaken and find that most days I am still a bit confused.
My crafting and knitting have always been a way for me to create something small and beautiful in a world that has always seemed too big and messy. I gravitate to all things traditional and classic because those are the things that are most lacking in my life. There is no tradition because my family fell apart years ago. There is no classic because there's always been so much struggle. My attempts at small-and-beautiful are my attempt at infusing the lives in this little house with something I want them to have but can't give them. I can only hope that someday these small things will mean as much to them as they have to me.
Needless to say... we've been going through a rough patch here. I miss knitting. I miss blogging. I miss feeling good from day to day. But I just can't seem to eek out a little bit of something pretty to share today even as badly as I want to. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. The rain has finally stopped and the sun is shining. Tater is learning to read and loving kindergarden. The older kids are doing exceptionally well in school, too. Mac Daddy is as sweet as ever. All these things are worth sharing.
Maybe I should start another blog some where. Do the whole ghost-writer thing and pick a fake name and use curse words and be all dark and creepy-angry and so keep this little place clean and bright and happy. I mean I don't know that an angry-creepy mom is really who you want designing kids stuff is it?
And maybe after I click the "publish" button on this post I'll regret it and wonder what the hell I was thinking blabbing all this stuff. Or maybe I'll feel better and be glad I did. Either way... at least I blogged today.
PS... the above picture is one I took while walking around in the rain at the Apple Butter Boil down by the lake this past weekend. Its was cold. It was wet. The apple butter was still good.
PSS... I hate the new Typepad set up.
