Fake it 'til you make it...

Ya know, I spend a lot of my time pretending I know what I'm doing. In all honesty... I'm a bit slow on the up-take sometimes and I don't adjust to change well or quickly.

For real, I'm a bit low in the self-esteem department but I try really hard not to let it show. I am completely comfortable in my small group of true friends here in real life but beyond that... I'm pretty shell-shocked most of my waking hours.

It used to be that I blogged about a new yarn I bought, a new color I found, what I planned to knit with it, a new technique I learned, and sharing finished projects. The first time I posted a project I had winged with no pattern and got a comment asking me if I had written it down and if I would share it... the designing bug bit me hard and it was all over from there.

See, I've always known I would get married and have kids some day. It was all I ever wanted. Maybe that sounds really simple or like a cop-out to some, but really my childhood sucked and my family was far from stable so my biggest dream that seemed the furthest out of reach was a happy, stable family with a mama that reads stories and kisses her kids and a daddy that comes home every night and picks up his littlest for a hug right after he kisses the mama. Simple, but not easy. I do have it now, but we didn't get here on an easy path.

Anyway... even though I am eternally thankful of what I have I've always wanted a little more. I've been a mom since I was 19 so I never really explored that whole "what makes me... me" thing. When I was younger I loved to write (I was a horrible, belligerent student but even when I was failing high-school I had straight A's in Literature and Composition because I loved it). I thought maybe some day I'd be an author of some sort... maybe fiction, maybe kid's books. 

I've always planned to be home with my kids though I have worked from time to time when we needed the money. In the back of my mind I always tinkered with ideas that would help bring in cash while I still stayed home. I babysat other people's kids (no fun), I did some commissioned sewing here and there. Nothing really substantial.

I've often felt selfish for admitting that though I am about 90% fulfilled by my role as mom I still have that nagging 10% that wants something just for me. Some sort of challenge.... some sort of goal.

Knit designing fit the bill... and I couldn't be happier.

But at the same time so many things are different than I thought they'd be. I've been published, am currently working on things that will be published, have a fabulous distributor that is very supportive and a great relationship with several of my favorite yarn companies. Still, there are so many aspects of the business side of knit design and publishing that I'm still trying to get comfortable with.

I read blogs just as much as anybody else and I know all the same popular ones that you do. I read them and ogle at the pictures and the wittiness. I chat in some of the same groups as some of the popular designers and occasionally take part in a discussion though I'm usually quiet because honestly I still don't feel like I'm up-to-par with the other designers. Its like marching into a party I wasn't invited to.

I've had to learn more about editing, grading, formating, pdf making, attachment mailing, customer griping, deadline dreading stuff than I ever thought I would.

Dudes, I am a mom and a knitter... this design stuff scares the hell out of me!

So if time goes by and my blog is silent or much less than entertaining just know that its because I have a lot of laundry to do and need to go to the feed mill and the grocery store or I'm working on something I'm not allowed to show you and I haven't yet figured out how to be entertaining without a project to show or how to make a deadline project and a just-because project all at the same time.

I still get a knot on my gut every time I self publish a pattern and, in fact, I still get queasy every time I make a blog post. I'm too boring, too dull, misspelled something, forgot something, didn't explain something well enough, only told half a story.

So how far am I supposed to go with the whole fake it 'til you make it? I hate sitting here trying to figure out how to word some thing so I don't sound like a dork. Truth is... I'm a dork. I tell cheesy jokes (usually to the kids) have a warped sense of humor, am a neat-freak about some weird stuff and rely on Mac Daddy for a vast majority of my tech-issues for publishing. Quickbooks is eating me alive.

I can't run my own print jobs. Mac Daddy does them all. I hand him a purchase order and wander off to make dinner. 

The worst part of all of this is that I'm not sure where the line is between a designer who shares a bit of inside info and what crosses the line into I-just-ruined-my-budding-design-career-by-admitting-I-can't-use-my-own-printer.

All this stuff makes me brain-constipated and stops me in my tracks every time I sit at this dang computer with Typepad staring me in the face.

Ugh.

So today... I figured I'd just go ahead and throw it all up in the air to see where it would land. I really do need to go to the feed mill, the pet store, the grocery store, have laundry to do, schooling to do, the goat's hooves need trimmed, I have to clear off the rocking chair in my room because I keep throwing things on it, promised Tater I'd finish her Pooh jammies, promised the other kids I'd make their jammies soon, have a knit deadline, a yarn company project, a project to send for editing, hats to make for donation by Valentine's day, my taxes to finish preparing which includes continued work with Quickbooks, junior bowling league for the boys Saturday morning, a 4H leader meeting Saturday immediately after bowling, Flash's buddy coming to spend the night on Saturday, a print job to run, 2 doctor's appointments next week, a prescription to refill, and oh... did I mention... Mac Daddy is out of state for work for the next week.

I got a purchase order 2 days before Mac Daddy left and handed it off to him with a please, oh please, can you do this before you leave. He returned later to inform me that I would need to order ink before we could finish the print job. It takes 3 days for an ink order to get here so... you guessed it.. I have a print job to run and Mac Daddy is in Utah and I don't know how to use the big-fancy-business-investment-of-a-solid-ink-printer. Mac Daddy has it programmed with all this pre-set info stuff that boggles my mind. Can you say "screwed"?

(Should I be admitting to all this? The truth will set you free and all.)

Check out what he did for me before he left:

That's a screen shot of a really pretty step by step document (full color) that Mac Daddy made for me so I can run my print job. How cool is he!

And yes, thats Ravelry in the background, one of my customized groups/forum pages. (Could somebody please tell the Smockers that I have joined the group but there's like... ummm.. no activity and its breaking my heart. Where have all the smockers gone?!?

So, I'll be running a print job some time this weekend (please don't alert my distributor to this blog post) and I'll be insisting that Flash help. Nothing like making your 15 year old help run a small business.

The point to all this... I'm not as cool as a lot of other bloggers, I'm not as popular as most other designers... but I'm trying like hell. 

I don't ever want to get to the point where I forget the yarn and the feeling of squishing a new hank in my hands or stop enjoying putting swatches in my salad spinner.

I don't ever want anybody to think this juggling act is easy or that I have it all together. I can post some nice pictures and post a light and airy fluffy post and give you little snippets that make it all look just so but that's just not really me. Its too much pressure. I don't deal well with pressure, or change, or dust.

When you get right down to it... I love all this chaos even if it gets a little out of hand sometimes. I'm a happy camper. Great kids. Great man in my life. Good friends. Challenging sort-of-career and still going. And I'm thrilled to have readers and customers and finished projects on Ravelry. Its a real hoot and its a lot of work. I spent too much time reading other blogs and playing with yarn samples that I have no business playing with because I really should be finishing that deadline project and going over those charts so I can send them to my editor (who totally saves my butt time and again).

Knit on, people... knit on!

Comments

[Lisa]

Marie, I've been following your blog for a couple of years now. You are amazing, talented, inspiring, humorous,"real" and all the wonderful things that have been said by others so much better than I've done! I love reading about your family, projects, adventures and seeing the beautiful photos. Reading your blog makes me feel like I'm reading a good book (by my favorite author!) that I just can't put down. I can hardly wait until the next "chapter!" You totally make my day, so here's hoping that your days are just as wonderful!
-Lisa

[Kara]

You know, I'm probably not alone when I say we're green with envy.

If you even feel out of control, you "fake it" will well. I personally would not look so good....

[Amy]

I won't repeat what everyone else said here because they all said it so well. We love you (you know, in a non - weird sort of way) and love reading your posts. Especially since many of us are right there with you in the mom trenches trying to still hold on to a shred of ourselves.
So you knit on, too!! And mother, and teach, and blog..........
:-)

[Kelly]

I don't care if you're cool or popular. I like what you write and what you design. I like your perspective on things and the elegant simplicity you show us. I want to be you when I grow up.

So there.

[teri p]

artists usually have a hard time with the business end of things. sounds like you have a great support system with mac daddy. don't fret, just keep doing what you do. your patterns are great. isn't it a fantastic world we live in that you can design from home and use technology to do things that maybe 20 years you could not have.

all best
teri

[Tam]

Thanks so much for this post. I appreciate what you wrote.

[Laura]

You rock! Just thought I'd let you know... :)

[mel]

I've been following your work & blog for awhile - Commenting much less frequently than I read, because, well, sometimes commenting on someone's blog whom you admire is just as difficult as putting up a blog post. No, harder. You do great design work, I enjoy your writing, and who cares if you can't work the printer. For what it's worth.

Keep doing what you're doing, being a tech-head isn't a requirement of being a great designer or writer!

[bezzie]

Ha ha, I laugh only because I know exactly what you speak of. Why do you think I didn't have the huevos to say hello to you at MDS&W? You're THE Marie-Grace! I couldn't just go up to you! (Plus you are truly very very tall in real life...being the shorty I am it just added to the "the-ness"!)

[clarabelle]

I've just read this brilliant post through, Marie-Grace, and all I can say is, you're just human. Sounds crass, but you're just voicing all your(and our) feelings of failure/worry/underselling, that I'm sure everyone of us (especially knitting designers) have as well. I haven't published any patterns, but I still feel a chump posting my knit-blog and expecting people to read it.

Have faith! Don't diss your capabilities!

Clarex

[Dannette]

I guess your blog is in my top favorites for exactly the reasons you put out there. It is not too fussy and I can relate to it all. I grew up in a messy sort of life (to spin in kindly) but it was also during the whole ERA thing and people would laugh if you said you didn't want to go to college and be an astronaut or the first female President. I never knew what I wanted to "be" either. Yet when children came along it became clear. So clear. Creating a life that I never had and giving my kids the opposite, like getting a 2nd chance rather than in a vengeful way. Our goal was to be better, do better, and I am thrilled to say we have in our own way. We homeschooled, I get behind in laundry, and just when I think I have my technology mastered something dies and I have to learn a whole new printer manual...ugh!

From one faker to another...I'm sure glad I'm not alone :-)

[Dani]

I like reading about your life. I've been trying to get started designing and your journey has been very inspiring for me. Especially because you are a busy mom, just like me, trying to figure all this out. I'm always wondering if there's a "All you need to know about design" book and I just haven't read it. It's crazy trying to learn it all.

BTW, I'm so jealous that you have live-in tech support. ;)

[Pat]

I enjoy reading about your extremely busy life and often wonder how you manage to fit so much into so little time.
Your career is slowly building & it shouldn't take off like a rocket. You got started later than many and need to build it up. By the time you aren't so involved with the kids, the career will be perfectly shaped & sized for you to tackle it with no reserve.
On a side note, I love the pics of Tuck & look forward to them. I still miss my German Shepard!!