So summer has flown right by and I'm not really sure how. The past few weeks, especially, have been a bit tough here. What's even worse is that its September.
I don't really want to dwell on the date because we're all aware of what happened and we'll hear it on the news (again) and we'll hear it on the radio (again) and I'm pretty sure none of us will ever forget.
But part of me is a little bitter. 7 years ago I was watching all the news reports and wondering what was going to happen. I was afraid and angry just like everybody else.
I knew people who had friends and loved ones in the attack. The plane that went down in PA scared me the most because it really was so close to home.
In the days after the initial shock when Americans were asked to help however they could I felt completely helpless and useless. I did find that there was a truck parked in the parking lot of our tiny little grocery store in town that was collecting ready-to-eat and non-perishable food to take to the workers at the site of the attack... the workers who were till looking for people.
So I gathered my kids (the oldest was 8, the youngest just 2) and explained to them that we were going to send food to brave people who needed a little help because they were working so hard. We bought all sorts of stuff, essentially spending our own small grocery budget and the kids helped me take it all to the truck in the parking lot.
I remember how haunting it was... being geographically far away from it all yet so close. People you passed on the sidewalk didn't look up and if they did they just looked somehow thinner or duller and a little shaken.
Of all the things we were all afraid of then, in the first days after, the one thing I never considered is the one thing that happened. My own husband went to work one day and never came back.
See, its not that I feel that the people who were so wrongly taken on that day shouldn't be honored or remembered. Is not that I don't understand how terrible the whole thing really was on so many levels. Its just that of all the people we are asked to remember and all the tributes that take place and all the talk and all the tears... none of it was for him.
He was just a regular guy. A faithful husband, a proud father, a hard worker. He was taken just as suddenly and left behind a family. I have never been so terrified in my life. First the attacks and then this.
I felt so alone during that time because all the talk of 9/11 was swirling all around me and it felt like all the talk was going right over my head. I got so sick of hearing about it because nobody on the news channels seemed to realize that he was gone and none of them said anything really poignant about the guy from the little town that died on his way to work and left behind a family. My family. Us.
So every year this time rolls around and no matter how hard I try to close my ears it just doesn't work. Half of me is so sad and still misses him so terribly and always will. The other half of me is just angry. Angry that he's gone. Angry that the news people didn't notice. Angry that of all the tributes none of them are for him.
Staying busy is good. It helps to keep the mind churning in a forward direction. I won't turn on the TV or radio today if I can help it. If you are a friend of mine here at home and you call I probably won't answer because I know if I try to talk I'll just cry.
And today there's math to do and laundry to do and kisses to give Tater and all that normal family stuff to take care of thanks to the powers in the universe that have bestowed me with Mac Daddy and a puppy and goats and geese and all manner of other things.
But what I would really like is to just not be so quietly sad. Just once I'd like to get past September with a deep breath and a smile and a strong feeling in my chest instead of these little fluttery feelings that keep me balanced on the edge of tears. I would like September to be just another month... the first hint of autumn and the beginning of a new season instead of the end of one.
I'm so sorry. I wasn't aware of the circumstances of what happened to your first husband. I think in time you will begin to have those feelings you wish for in September. It has to be so difficult as everyone remembers on 9/11, but not your spouse. Big hugs and healing thoughts to you and your family.
Posted by: Wanda | September 14, 2008 at 03:53 PM
I am so sorry. I had no idea. I think that you and your family are incredibly dear and brave. I also think that at some point, September will again be a sweeter time.
It sounds like you have lots of good things in your life,and well you should. I send you greetings and all well wishes from a fellow blogger/mom/knitter.
Breathe in and go on.
Posted by: kt | September 12, 2008 at 10:42 PM
I've learned from my own losses that there's always going to be that wound. That yours is so closely intertwined with that of our nation must have made it intensely painful. God bless.
Posted by: Liz K | September 12, 2008 at 01:41 PM
Thank you for sharing your story. You have a lot of support and love here.
Posted by: Debbie | September 12, 2008 at 06:58 AM
I don't blame you for going into hermit-mode today, and any other year. Thank you for drawing the attention back to the people who have to go thru this same pain w/out all the pomp and circumstance showered upon them and the memories of their loved ones. Hugs!
Posted by: bezzie | September 11, 2008 at 07:28 PM
I am so sorry.
Posted by: Mamma | September 11, 2008 at 07:18 PM
Oh, Marie Grace, I'm SO sorry. It's OK to be sad. I hope you & the older kids can spend some good time today remembering how great he was. Anniversaries are hard. Hugs to you.
Posted by: Erica | September 11, 2008 at 06:03 PM
My thoughts are with you today. And with your kids. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: elizabeth m | September 11, 2008 at 04:32 PM
Thank you for sharing your story. It is touching. Sending some nice fall sunshine and smiles your way...
Posted by: schmobes | September 11, 2008 at 03:57 PM
So sorry to hear this story, MG: I'm sure that, in time, you'll be able to deal with this September-thing a bit better. In the meantime, you have your beautiful children to remind you of their dad; and you have the wonderful Mac Daddy to remind you of the future.
Posted by: clarabelle | September 11, 2008 at 02:31 PM
((Hugs)) I'll be thinking of you and yours.
Posted by: Dani | September 11, 2008 at 02:18 PM
I can't even pretend to know... Hugs & Prayers for you.
Posted by: KM | September 11, 2008 at 11:44 AM
Big hugs for you and your family.
Posted by: Karen | September 11, 2008 at 11:35 AM
Oh, Marie Grace, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to be reminded so publicly every year. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Posted by: trillian42 | September 11, 2008 at 10:34 AM